BAD JOKE
by Skipper Rocket
A selkie and a gnome walk into a bar within minutes of each other. It’s a warm night. A horse is behind the bar, wiping off the countertop with a bar rag.
SELKIE: (wipes perspiration from her face with a kerchief) A Cosmo, please.
HORSE: Certainly, Miss.
GNOME: Excuse me, gorgeous, but that’s not my beard you’re steppin’ on. Hehehe.
The selkie moves her foot disdainfully.
SELKIE: It is too your beard. Ew, ew, ew, gnome germs!
The gnome follows, caresses the selkie’s calf, which is the highest he can reach.
GNOME: I bet you work out.
SELKIE: Would someone get this creep away from me?
The horse trots around the bar and comes to the selkie’s side. He’s got beer on his breath, and hay in his teeth, but the selkie does a double take on his nether regions. At second glance that’s not a fifth leg at all …
SELKIE: Well, hellooo.
HORSE: Is this …
He looks down, way down.
HORSE: … guy bugging you, miss?
SELKIE: (pouting) Why yes he is. Just look!
She points at her calf.
SELKIE: Gnome germies. And I left my Nair at home.
The gnome kisses the selkie’s ankle, and coos at it.
HORSE: That’s okay, Miss. I’ll take care of you.
The selkie bats her lashes meaningfully.
SELKIE: Oh, I hope so.
The sound of ceramic crunching underhoof (yes, I said it, so sue me) is barely audible above the jukebox, which plays only television theme songs. The Family Ties theme currently plays.
GNOME: (muffled) I’m Norm, the Ravelocity Gnome, and you can’t do this to meeeeeeeeeee!
The little red cap floats atop a small expanding pool of blood. (It’s stinky blood.) The Selkie mounts the horse and hugs onto his neck.
HORSE: (under his breath) Oh yeah, chicks looove horseback rides.
Fin
About the Author:
Skipper Rocket lives in Salt Lake City, UT, and recently gave me a statue of a gnome humping a mushroom.--
And if you'd like to be part of the International Selkie Month festivities, just send me e-mail.
2 comments:
ok, so everyone cheers when the gnome dies - but for my money the Selkie needs more backbone and a baseball bat to deal with gnomes herself! :-)
you, dear anonymous, are completely correct.
In fact, where are all the stories of selkie liberation? Why do the selkies (in all the stories I've read...) only have a choice between living lovelessly in the sea or abandoning their identity to live with a man? Where are the stories where selkies step away from their traditional roles and create new lives for themselves? Where are all the stories where the selkies build selkie sepratist compounds in Montana and live in harmony? Where are all the bumper stickers that say "A selkie needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!"
SELKIES OF THE WORLD, UNITE!
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