The demonic alien waved his tentacles at Roger. He screamed helplessly, but
there was nothing he could do: the alien's mind control held him completely
motionless. Then the alien forced him to pick up the gun and press it against
his temple. "You must die so that we can complete our plan to take over Earth,"
the alien said inside his skull. Roger wept silently as the alien made him
pull the trigger.
###
The sheriff looked down at Roger's body. "Sure is a shame when a nice young
man like that kills himself," he mused.
"Sheriff," said the young deputy. "What are these marks? It kind of looks like someone dragged a tentacle through the blood!"
"Son," said the sheriff, "you see all kinds of crazy things in this
business. Sure is a shame."
THE END
The biggest problem (among several) is that the author isn't trusting the reader. If the author has done his job in the first 4,000 words, we don't need another 500 words to let us know that Roger's dead, and that humanity has no idea about the impending alien threat. The author may think she's adding extra drama by showing the scene: but sometimes, letting us imagine the scene is even more powerful.
In other news from the slush mines, if the cover letter starts out "Dear Sir/Madam" or "To whom it may concern," the story is not going to be good.
2 comments:
Out of curiosity, how does "Dear Editors" measure? That's what I tend to do when there are multiple editors and I can't tell who's going to read my story.
-Shweta
"Dear Editor" is not the Mark of Doom . . . I see "Dear Editor" on lots of good stories.
Though I think it's still preferable to do enough research to find out who to address the story to. In a multiple-editor stituation, I'd probably pick the one I thought was at the top of the pecking order.
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